A Cure For Islamophobia


Lately I’ve been so upset about my very negative reactions to the most basic tenets of Islam. I keep looking for one palatable quality in that faith and can’t seem to find any. Friends keep telling me that I am suffering from “Islamophobia”. Their repeated diagnosis and accusation has brought me to the boiling point at times, made me steaming mad it has. I have felt hopeless, and I hear myself offering the following lame explanation over and over:

I tell myself that it’s just so damned difficult for me to love an ideology that is peppered with calls for hatred, and especially annihilation, specifically aimed at me…and everyone else who is unfortunate enough to share my ethnic background. I just can’t get past it. I also react poorly to the charge, in The Koran, of being a “son of an ape”, and yet at the same time, I know that my reaction is just wrong. My friends suggest that I keep telling myself that, “All religions are good.”

I am so ashamed for feeling this way. I must find a cure. So, thanks to my caring and very persistent friends who have my best interests at heart, the cure has arrived, inspired by that classical St. Patrick’s Day meal served yearly. So, without further ado, here is:

The Recipe for Curing Islamphobia:

Take one pot, large enough to hold roughly 1400 years of hatred towards everything and everyone. Fill with water from the Red Sea and oil…it sounds crude, but it works.

Bring it, and yourself to the boiling point.

Then, to the water-oil mix, Add:

• 1.6 billion parts of saltpeter (which, if you don’t already know, is the world’s best laxative)

• 1000 pounds of common sense

• 2017 cups, minimum, of the rationality and deductive reasoning that you possess, but preferably all that you possess. Then, go looking for it in others, remove it from them, and add to the pot. Continue boil.

• 3000 years of Western Civilization and achievement, shred and add. Be sure to shred well.

• 2001 undeniable facts about Islamic misogyny, fanaticism and Jew-hatred. Finely chop, add, and stir well until dissolved, that needs to disappear into the final solution.

• Then: Remove every ounce of your sense of self-protection, and immediately, without hesitating, add that to the boiling pot. This is absolutely essential for a proper cure.

Allow to cool and serve.

For one week, Drink one cup, holding it in your Left hand, five times a day, while facing East. Then you can look forward to being as mind-emptied and fact-free as your loving friends. In other words, you’ll be cured of Islamphobia. Finally. Free of it and living in a fact-free zone. You can now look forward to fitting in…maybe wear white to show your solidarity with the prevailing group-think.
You’ll be able to recognize that group-think because it might have a name like The Women’s Movement. And believe me, with this brew, there will be Movement aplenty.

Bottoms up!

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